Plague Update
2022-01-23, 5:00 p.m.

With Covid in the rearview window, my thoughts are primarily of Soccara and her cancer. The internal family squabbling that plagued us has been settled. We are all now unified in our efforts to care for Soccara.

I am thankful that Soccara and I weren't sidelined with major illnesses from Covid because my job was not understanding. On day six after testing positive, I was already forced back into the schedule.

Emotionally, I am still having a great deal of trouble with her illness. There are many, many times when I will break down with the mere thought of it popping in my head.

I have tried separating this into parts to try and understand it. If I have the means and ability to destroy myself but don't what does that mean?

It probably means that I want to stick around and live.

So if I plan to live but I'm unhappy my goal should be self-improvement, not self-destruction.

It's all baby steps at this point but I am making an effort. The other day I felt distraught and asked Darlene if I could drop by.

Darlene was making Lasagna and I got to sit between my granddaughters Lena and Tina. On my right, Lena was hugging my arm so It was a struggle to eat. On my left, Tina was making a motorboat sound and sprayed sauce all over.

The sadness was still inside me even though I was among others but it hurt a whole lot less than being alone.